


Pest Control

by 13th_blackbird



Series: bureaucratic nightmares [2]
Category: Star Wars: Thrawn Series - Timothy Zahn (2017)
Genre: Bureaucracy, Comedy of Errors, Epistolary, Gen, Jam, M/M, Propaganda, Supply Officer!Eli AU, Turtlenapping, abuse of the network printer, background/implied thranto, it support tickets, karyn faro still doesn't get paid enough, making date plans through your encrypted network, over the top plans, thwarting isb in stupid ways
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-10
Updated: 2019-07-10
Packaged: 2020-06-25 16:01:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19749055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/13th_blackbird/pseuds/13th_blackbird
Summary: "So it'streasonpest control, then."In honor of Thrawn's new career as an exterminator, a glimpse into one of his other, er...stickier cases.Emails are exchanged. Open mic night is in jeopardy. Karyn Faro rolls her eyes a lot. More emails are exchanged. All in a day's work for the crew of the Chimaera and the long-suffering supply officer watching all this happen from afar.Takes place in the same AU asRe: FWD: Re: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD:





	Pest Control

The best DEFENSE is a good OFFENSE: Shipboard Parasites Hinder The War Effort! Disinfect After Shore Leave and Ensure VICTORY for the EMPIRE.

-Poster Hanging in Sanitation Sector 59XA Break Room, Level 589, ISD Chimaera

* * *

ENCRYPTED  
>>From: mitth.raw.nuruodo-private  
>>To: e.vanto-private

What were the results of your investigation?

ENCRYPTED  
>>From: e.vanto-private  
>>To: mitth.raw.nuruodo-private

Some people say hello first, you know. 

Investigation says that what you heard is true. Watch your back. 

When’s your next time back to Imp Center? 

ENCRYPTED  
>>From: mitth.raw.nuruodo-private  
>>To: e.vanto-private

Hello. 

I will indeed watch my back. Thank you for confirming my suspicions. 

Standard orders will have us back at Imperial Center within two cycles. I expect to see you sooner, however, if all proceeds as planned. 

  
  


ENCRYPTED  
>>From: e.vanto-private  
>>To: mitth.raw.nuruodo-private

Hi. 

That sounds ominous.

I would normally flag an account for kriffing with the ratios of the standard disinfecting supplies like that, just so you know, but Sam said it came from your XO directly, and the last time was interesting so I’m letting this one slide. 

See you soon; don’t do anything too stupid with those special requisitions. I’m not going to ask about all the jars of jam, don’t think you can bait me into it. 

* * *

LOST: Pet Torton, Answers to “Stubby,” missing one leg. Last seen on Level 535 by the canteen. Reward for safe return! Please help, I really miss him. - Trooper TX-1138

SIGN UP NOW! Open Mic Night, 501 Level Canteen at 1600 on Day 3 of Cycle 4! Poetry, original songs, Gungan sling-painting, Rodian dramatic monologue? Everything welcome! Contact Ensign Stuart Kidogo in Ops Division 9 for details. 

DON’T LET A TINY NUISANCE BECOME A BIG PROBLEM   
\- STONE MITES SINK STARSHIPS. -  
THE WAR EFFORT DEPENDS ON YOU!   
REPORT SUSPICIOUS PEST ACTIVITY BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE. 

-various postings on the Level 599 canteen public address board outside Ops HQ

* * *

>>From: Mina.Souris-ISDChimaera  
>>To: 500LevelsOps.ALL_Staff-ISDChimaera  
>>Subject: General Reminders

Hey everyone,

Just a few little reminders as we head into the next cycle.

Please do not use the flimsiplast printer for large jobs; it’s really expensive and /only to be used for MISSION CRITICAL projects./ Keep it on your datapad unless a senior officer specifically requests flimsi. I found someone’s 1000 sheet job sitting in there the other day—if anyone wants to claim NABOO NIGHTS, AN EROTIC GUNGAN THRILLER, V. 4_FINAL_FINAL_EDITED, I have it in my office, marked up with additional edits. 

The food-cryo in the canteen will be cleaned every quarter-cycle, as always. Please LABEL YOUR ITEMS because the maintenance crew will not be checking before throwing things out. 

I am looking into the temperature control issues we’ve been having in the mid-levels. Thanks for your patience. 

Finally, if you take shore leave, Maintenance wants to remind us all to use the flash-disinfector when you return to the ship. Planetside pests are a huge pain to get rid of and it only takes a minute to use the disinfector and save everyone a lot of trouble. 

Thanks,

Mina

Sr. Lt. Mina Souris  
Division Chief  
Administrative Operations Department  
ISD Chimaera

* * *

<<REPORT>>

INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY/MAINTENANCE TICKETS FILED, PREVIOUS QUARTER CYCLE  
LEVELS 500-599

[2412 tickets found, select individual ticket for additional information]

[T24235 - My comm is in and out, like sometimes it’s fine and sometimes the screen blinks…]

[T24236 - Temperature in the canteen on level 530 is FREEZING some of us are from desert worlds and…]

[T24237 - mites in my refresher???? seriously gross i need someone to look a…]

[T24238 - STICKY RESIDUE IN PORT STORAGE BAY]

[T24239 - THIRD REQUEST for new cryo unit in canteen level 539, ours is leak…]

[T24240 - lights flickering in south hallway outside ops E4 level 540…]

[T24241 - URGENT MISSING PET TORTON GUYS PLEASE I MISS HIM…]

[T24242 - hole in wall in my quarters, level 521…]

[T24243 - Weird scratching sounds, canteen on level 553…]

[T24244 - FRAYED WIRES SERVER ROOM LEVEL 589 REPLACEMENT REQUEST…]

[next 10 tickets] [previous 10 tickets] 

<</REPORT>>

* * *

>>To: Myk.Luchag-ISDChimaera  
>>From: Minna.Souris-ISDChimaera  
>>Subject: Maintenance Requests

Myk, how have there been over 2000 requests just this past quarter-cycle? What’s going on? And can you please fix the environmental controls in the 501 Canteen? They keep messaging me about their open mic night and it’s apparently hot as one of the Correllian hells in there; they’re afraid no one will show (ha). 

Sr. Lt. Mina Souris  
Division Chief  
Administrative Operations Department  
ISD Chimaera

  
  


>>To: Minna.Souris-ISDChimaera  
>>From: Myk.Luchag-ISDChimaera  
>>Subject: re: Maintenance Requests

Can you meet me and Trooper TX-1138 in the level 540 storage bay? They were down here looking for Stubby (you haven't seen him, have you?) And well, we need your advice. Sooner is better. 

Chief Petty Officer Myk Luchag  
Maintenance Department  
ISD Chimaera

  
  


* * *

**< <SHIPWIDE EMERGENCY MESSAGE>>**

**Levels 500-599 are currently quarantined. No personnel will be allowed travel between levels 500-599 at this time, and no personnel located above or below the affected levels are to travel between them. Lockdown procedures are in effect.**

**< <EMERGENCY MESSAGE ENDS>>**

* * *

>>From: Karyn.Faro-ISDChimaera  
>>To: Mitth.raw.nuruodo-ISDChimaera  
>>ENCRYPTED SENIOR STAFF  
>>Subject: Situation on 500 Levels

Sir,

You were right; that /was/ fast. Still, did it have to be stone mites? This makes us look a little bad to the fleet, don't you think?  
  


>>From: Mitth.raw.nuruodo-ISDChimaera  
>>To: Karyn.Faro-ISDChimaera   
>>ENCRYPTED SENIOR STAFF  
>>Subject: Re: Situation on 500 Levels

No, I believe we'll find this all resulted from an unavoidable mistake -- not made by our staff -- somewhere along the line. The mites are a regrettable nuisance but very common in this area of space, I am given to understand. We are fortunate that someone happened to be searching the storage bays and came upon the acid damage before the hull was breached. 

Please extend my commendations to the ops staff in the 500 levels. Also, inform Trooper TX-1138 that Stubby is quite well and being taken care of until he can be returned safely to the 500 levels.   
  


>>From: Karyn.Faro-ISDChimaera  
>>To: Mitth.raw.nuruodo-ISDChimaera  
>>ENCRYPTED SENIOR STAFF  
>>Subject: Situation on 500 Levels

Stubby?

>>From: Mitth.raw.nuruodo-ISDChimaera   
>>To: Karyn.Faro-ISDChimaera  
>>ENCRYPTED SENIOR STAFF  
>>Subject: Situation on 500 Levels

The Trooper's pet torton. He has been missing for over a quarter cycle, but happily, my quarters are an adequate environment for the species. 

>>From: Karyn.Faro-ISDChimaera  
>>To: Mitth.raw.nuruodo-ISDChimaera  
>>ENCRYPTED SENIOR STAFF  
>>Subject: Situation on 500 Levels

Seriously, sir? 

I want a raise.

>>From: Mitth.raw.nuruodo-ISDChimaera  
>>To: Karyn.Faro-ISDChimaera  
>>ENCRYPTED SENIOR STAFF  
>>Subject: Situation on 500 Levels

Inform the quartermaster of the rate you think is fair. 

  
  


* * *

>>From: Karyn.Faro-ISDChimaera  
>>To: Mina.Souris-ISDChimaera  
>>cc: Trace.Varik-ISDChimaera  
>>Subject: Update

Lt. Souris, 

Good work to you and Chief Luchag getting the situation under control so quickly. I'm doing everything I can from my end to get your levels up and running again asap. On our way back to IC for an emergency fumigation. 

Do you or your people need anything? We know about the environmental controls -- not a lot we can do until the wiring is fixed but we're rerouting the 600 and 700 level systems to even out the temperature down there. 

The Grand Admiral wanted me to pass along his commendations to Trooper TX-1138 for their sharp eyes and prompt reporting of the mite damage to the hull. 

Also, please let the trooper know that their pet torton is safe and sound. 

Commander Karyn Faro  
Executive Officer  
ISD Chimaera

  
  
  


>>From: Mina.Souris-ISDChimaera  
>>To: Brisbi.Mysz-ISDChimaera  
>>Subject: FWD: Update

Bri, I got this from the XO. I'm so kriffing embarrassed. The storage bays are full of holes, all the comm equipment is damaged, the server rooms are a wreck...and you know I HATE bugs. I can barely walk into my quarters because I'm afraid I'll see one of these things.

What should I say to her? 

>>From: Brisbi.Mysz-ISDChimaera   
>>To: Mina.Souris-ISDChimaera  
>>Subject: Re: FWD: Update

Min, I think this is a good sign. It doesn't sound like she's blaming you; she even says "good job." I'll comm you in a minute and we'll draft it together. Just be honest. I heard the XO's actually really reasonable. You remember Tuttle in Supply? He got promoted after all that drama with Mynder. I don't think she'd be talking about Stubby the torton if you were looking at a reprimand. (And did I read that right or did the news about Stubby come from the blue boss himself? I'm telling you he's psychic - I know you think I'm spinning conspiracy theories but come on.)

Hey, you don't think she'd make Stu cancel the open mic night, do you? That'd be great for morale down here; now that we're quarantined he isn't taking no for an answer and I REALLY don't want to watch Templeton's terrible prop comedy set...

  
  


>>From: Mina.Souris-ISDChimaera  
>>To: Karyn.Faro-ISDChimaera  
>>cc: Trace.Varik-ISDChimaera  
>>Subject: re: Update

Commander Faro,

Thank you so much for checking in, sir. 

I've communicated with the deputy department heads on the 10-levels and attached is a list of damage we've collected. So far there are no injuries or mission-critical equipment failures but they will all continue to monitor, and I'll be sure to send updates promptly. 

I do have a suggestion with regard to the environmental issues down here. Although I'm sure the crew won't be thrilled, Chief Luchag thinks that shutting down non-essential power after 1600 would help divert systems to keeping the temperature consistent while we're cut off from the central system. With your permission I'll implement that right away. 

I'm sure Trooper TX-1138 will be happy to hear about Stubby. They really miss him.

We will continue our investigation into how this happened, sir. I assure you I'm on it personally and taking it very seriously. 

Sr. Lt. Mina Souris  
Division Chief  
Administrative Operations Department  
ISD Chimaera

>>From: Karyn.Faro-ISDChimaera  
>>To: Mina.Souris-ISDChimaera  
>>cc: Trace.Varik-ISDChimaera  
>>Subject: re: Update

Lt. Souris, I commend you for your efforts, but there's no need to be concerned. Investigations into the disinfectant used in the flash-disinfectors on the 500 levels revealed that it was too diluted to deal with stone mite eggs. We've traced it back to the supply depot and they're issuing a recall. No one's fault. 

You can go ahead with your suggestion; appreciated. 

Commander Karyn Faro  
Executive Officer  
ISD Chimaera

>>From: Trace.Varik-ISDChimaera  
>>To: Karyn.Faro-ISDChimaera  
>>Subject: re: Update

If the next message she sends cancels the open mic night, you owe me 20 credits. 

From: Mina.Souris-ISDChimaera  
To: 500LevelsOps.ALL_Staff-ISDChimaera  
Subject: QUARANTINE UPDATE

All,

Unfortunately, due to the environmental control issues and power surges we've been having, the XO directed us to shut down non-essential areas of the ship after 1600, starting tonight. That means morale activities planned in the cantines will be cancelled. 

Sr. Lt. Mina Souris  
Division Chief  
Administrative Operations Department  
ISD Chimaera

>>From: Trace.Varik-ISDChimaera  
>>To: Karyn.Faro-ISDChimaera  
>>Subject: FWD: QUARANTINE UPDATE

"Unfortunately." She threw you right under the speeder, too. 

Pay up, sir! 

* * *

>>From: Stuart.Kidogo-ISDChimaera  
>>To: 500LevelsOps.ALL_Staff-ISDChimaera  
>>Subject: Open Mic Night STILL ON

Hey everyone!!!!! No reason to let a little quarantine get us down here in the 500s! Join us on the holonet for Open Mic Night -- I’ll start!

[sound file attached: QUENK JAZZ BREAKDOWN - 45 minutes.snd]

Ensign Stuart Kidogo  
Administrative Assistant  
Ops Division 9  
ISD Chimaera

* * *

>>From: Mitth.raw.nuruodo-ISDChimaera   
>>To: Eli.Vanto-DEPOT_A15_ADMIN  
>>Subject: Refit

We are currently en route to the A15 station for a full refit and resupply. 

  
  


>>From: Eli.Vanto-DEPOT_A15_ADMIN   
>>To: Mitth.raw.nuruodo-ISDChimaera   
>>Subject: Re: Refit

We’ll expect you, Grand Admiral. Sorry for the trouble. 

Lieutenant Eli Vanto  
Chief Officer  
Coruscant Supply Depot A15

* * *

ENCRYPTED  
>>From: e.vanto-private  
>>To: mitth.raw.nuruodo-private  
>> Subject: FWD: Deadly Intricacies: The Fashions and Politics of Naboo at the Coruscant Gallery of Art 

That was fast. 

Interested in this?

  
  


ENCRYPTED  
>>From: mitth.raw.nuruodo-private  
>>To: e.vanto-private  
>> Subject: FWD: Deadly Intricacies: The Fashions and Politics of Naboo at the Coruscant Gallery of Art 

Indeed. The jam worked exactly as intended. 

We arrive tomorrow. Shall we say 1900 CST?   
  


ENCRYPTED  
>>From: e.vanto-private  
>>To: mitth.raw.nuruodo-private  
>> Subject: FWD: Deadly Intricacies: The Fashions and Politics of Naboo at the Coruscant Gallery of Art 

I’ll make dinner reservations. 

I told you I wasn’t going to ask about the jam; telling me about it just looks desperate.

Looking forward to seeing you.

  
  


ENCRYPTED  
>>From: mitth.raw.nuruodo-private  
>>To: e.vanto-private  
>> Subject: FWD: Deadly Intricacies: The Fashions and Politics of Naboo at the Coruscant Gallery of Art 

Likewise. While I am on station, I would like to see to a few crew transfers as well. Is the A15 depot in need of assistance in the galley, by chance?

  
  


* * *

//OFFICIAL USE ONLY - CODE GAMMA//  
>>From: Basil.Zurka-ImpSecBureau  
>>To: Remy.Templeton-ISDChimaera

Agent Templeton: Report, please. The transmitter has been offline for over 48 standard hours. Is your position secure?

Loyalty Officer Basil Zurka  
Imperial Security Bureau  
  


//OFFICIAL USE ONLY - CODE GAMMA//  
>>From: Remy.Templeton-ISDChimaera  
>>To: Basil.Zurka-ImpSecBureau

Agent Zurka: my position is intact. As far as anyone here knows, I work in the canteen. No change. 

Target Blue knows nothing, I'm sure of it. 

The transmitter must have been in the 500 levels - there was a parasite infestation and the acid got into the comm stations. I reported it and requested a new transmitter to be installed during refit. Can you confirm receipt?   
  


//OFFICIAL USE ONLY - CODE GAMMA//  
>>From: Basil.Zurka-ImpSecBureau  
>>To: Remy.Templeton-ISDChimaera

Report was never received. No time to get a new transmitter installed now. 

Increase report frequency and begin working for a promotion. Don’t let that alien out of your sight. 

Loyalty Officer Basil Zurka  
Imperial Security Bureau

* * *

From: Tr-TX-1138-ISDChimaera  
To: 500LevelsOps.ALL_Staff-ISDChimaera  
Subject: WELCOME HOME PARTY FOR STUBBY!!!

Everyone,

My little guy is back home and I’m so thrilled!! I REALLY MISSED HIM.

Please join us in the canteen in level 550 tonight at 1600 for a party to celebrate Stubby’s safe return.

Look at this little face, I know you can’t say no!

[picture files attached: stubby_partyhat.pic, stubby_leaf.pic, stubby_baby.pic]

-Trooper TX-1138

  
  


**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Pest Control [podfic]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23959564) by [litrapod (litra)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/litra/pseuds/litrapod)




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